Previous me, Jabez’s Ways, and Current Me

As I sit in my house, I try to think of the many mistakes I made last year, and how different things might have been had I chosen differently. Hmmmm…did I really have to meet all the people I met last year? Did I really have to hang out the way I did last year? Did I have to get so mad? Did I love truly and honestly? Was I a good friend? Was I an awesome sister? Maybe yes, maybe No… I say maybe because am not certain of my own experience. I know it’s silly to think of the past, but I can’t help it…I used to think I know myself, but I guess I was wrong… I say this because looking back, I chose wrong, did wrong, thought wrong, and hanged out wrong, loved wrong, and acted wrong. So my resolution this year is to find me, love right (mostly love me), act wisely, think smartly and rationally, and work harder. In simple terms, I want to FIND MYSELF.

            This might sound silly, too thought out, sad, or even wise to some of you, but are we truly ourselves at all time, do we always speak up when we hear something wrong, do we walk away from situations that are mediocre, do we always act as we should? Again,  maybe yes, maybe no. Some may wonder why am doing this, but I realized am growing up and the choices I make will ALWAYS have consequences (I know.. I know…tell me something I don’t know ha ha ha). I want to be o.k with making new mistakes, but not o.k with repeating old ones. I want to be o.k with spending my money wisely, but not o.k with spending it on the wrong things. I want to be o.k with saying NO to people, even though I might hurt them, but not o.k with saying yes when I am not certain.  I want to be o.k with forming new, wise, and supportive relationships. I want to be a supportive sister, aunt, daughter, and granddaughter. I want to spend more time with my mother, she’s insanely wise. I want…Well, I want it all.

            In order to achieve this, I made new resolutions. Although I won’t tell you most of them, I’ll tell you this, the best one I made was including Jabez’s prayer into my daily life. He prayed and said, “Oh God that you will bless me and enlarge my borders, and that your hand may be with me, and that you will keep me from harm so that it may not bring me pain!”

            I love this prayer. It’s a simple sentence broken down into four parts, it makes sense to me, and it inspires me to think about my actions, my thoughts about people, and my reactions towards everything in my life. It inspires me to act rationally at all times, to make choices wisely, to understand people’s actions, to accept life’s events as they are, to move on to new things when old one’s are no longer building me, to form new friendships, to listen to my inner self more, to… to be me. You might notice a few changes in me this year; I may appear a little quiet sometimes, I may no longer hang out with you, I may appear a little too happy, a little too content with my actions, and sometimes my actions may surprise you. In any case am happy I made this decision, and am happy I told you this. Maybe it’ll help you think about your life, your actions, your company, your reactions to certain situations, and yourself.

Proving our fights

Meeting someone for the first time,

I cannot help but dismiss, like, hate, love, fall for tricks,

I know you also do the same,

But what happens in the second meeting is what builds

A relationship, a friendship, an enemy, a threat, a competition, a lifetime love,

My story is, when I first met you...

I must admit

I was losing in battles I fought

But hey I would not tell you,

Why?

I knew you would come and take over

My pride and ego wanted to undo the mess I was in,

Not involving you in any way, let alone updates.

So now, it looked as if I did it on purpose to hide my situation to you,

I didn’t even realize you had my solution,

Coz I knew you would take over and I would feel powerless,

Oh my ego, my pride, myself and I fighting you.

In my mind I knew, the second I let you in I would have to begin,

I would have to let go my lost fights,

No no no! I had to hold on my pride

I still wanted to be in control

Truth is, I don’t know how you did it,

But you showed me,

You were fighting for me,

That I may not have my “panga” and shield tools anymore.

Your love, your love,

Flowing from the fountains of fountains,

Now I cannot even remember how to fight you,

Coz you have shown me it’s not my fight, not my battle,

I am worth fighting for.

Now my first impression has grown to "Am glad I chose you"

It’s not what I felt having met you the first time,

It’s about the second and consequent times,

I am grateful that now I see,

The pain I had, on my knuckles, legs and hands,

Makes me believe every day.

Lord, you showed me am worth much more,

Fighting for me, so when am in a battle it is your love I feel,

Now every day I wanna let go,

I wanna be under your wings,

I wanna give you a high five coz we always win with you!

I wanna form a twitter trend with#THE WINNING TEAM.

Now I love that I met you, gone are first impressions, built in is love that is growing daily!

A love like this:-)

Before you
I was always falling
Sometimes even crawling
with nothing to hold on to
Before you
I was searching for something
To make my life worth living
But nothing could satisfy
Always thought You wouldn't love me just the way I am
So I tried to satisfy You, I didn't understand
How misguided I was in my search to know Your love

I was working hard in all the wrong ways
Living life chaotically never sitting at your feet
Till You taught me the true meaning of grace

I can’t help but think about
How you came and turned my life around
And all the times I can’t count
That your love has rescued me
You heard my every prayer
And brought me out of my despair
You dried every tear and set my soul free and now I
Praise you
All my past mistakes have been
Erased by you
Have given me new life and I’m
Amazed you
You came and made my life so complete
You know, I like clear blue skies
mountains high just living life and
I like my family n friends being with me
Laughing hysterically
I like finding you
in the everyday things I do
yet with all that you create
nothing could ever take your place

Again Why does it take blue skies that turn to gray
Before I have something to tell You about
I'm gonna change the way that I pray
And turn it inside out

here's a part of me no one sees
No one ever finds
There's a mystery deep inside
The constant struggling of who I am
And who I want to be
I'm always trying to decide
And it feels like forever
It feels like I'm wasting my time
Sometimes it seems, I'm serving You just for me
Sometimes I'm blinded by the things that I think I need
Time after time You opened my eyes
Then take them off of me
sometimes I even can't seem to understand why You love me
You hold me in Your hand so patiently
'Cause anybody else would've turned
And walked away

When I struggle with my humanity
When lifes mistakes overwhelm me
Still, You know everything
And You don't look away
So many times I wanted to hide from You
So many times I tried to lie to You
But You never let me get past the very first word

All you say is You already knew the truth
And all You want is for me to come back to You
Your blood is all powerful
It's undeniable
The change You've made in me
You've set me free

All the things you’ve let me see
And the places you are taking me
you rewrote my destiny
O Lord you made me new
You deserve nothing less
Than all of my existence
So take everything I posses

It's so crazy yet so amazing, now I finally see
I tried to do my best for You when all You wanted was me
You saw right through my foolishness, never loved me any less
Waiting with Your arms opened wide
Before you, Now
I'm humbled by your mercy
Staggered by your beauty
Honored by your love for me
Before you
The angels raise their anthem
And I will gladly join them
In lifting up my praise

Don't want to sing about a love
I never show to anyone
I can't say that I'm redeemed and not live like I'm free
It took so long to realize that I've mistaken wrong for right

Father please forgive me for all the times that I've let you down
I know that they should see you before I make a sound
Everyday I want to live like you
But I've lost my way if what I says not what I do

With my heart and my soul
Lord when they see me I want them to know
You mean more to me than anything